DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP

DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP

What is a real relationship?

A real relationship is one where you love that person enough to be honest. Honest about who you are, honest about what you plan to do and be, and honest about how you feel about them and what they do and say. If you haven't picked out the common theme in this paragraph yet, I'll lay it out for you :) Next to love, the most important ingredient in relationships is open, honest communication.
How do you develop in this area of honest communication? In the Western world (especially in Australia), we tend to be shallow in our relationships, comfortable talking about hobbies and the weather, but rarely talking about our struggles, vulnerabilities and insecurities.
As Christians, this should be one of our major areas of witness -- showing how the grace of God makes up for our inadequacies. Too often, however, we are too scared to talk about our inadequacies, and thus others never get to see the grace of God working in our lives. Worse, we don't even take these inadequacies to God, in the fear that if He "finds out about them", He won't love us, or He won't forgive us.
If, as someone who is preparing for marriage, you are not at the point where you can communicate with transparency and vulnerability, then you need to work on these areas! Communication is a crucial foundation to every marriage, and open communication is necessary in order to understand what is truly motivating each other when you have differing points of view.
There are two key relationships you should establish to help develop these skills -- a mentor, and an accountability partner. A mentor is someone who is further along the path that you want to travel. They should be someone you respect and someone who holds similar views and convictions to you in the area you want to be mentored. An accountability partner is a friend who is more of a peer -- someone who is going through the same things you are, and with whom you can share your success and failures and find encouragement from the synergy of shared experience.
These relationships will not only help to prepare you for marriage, they will also serve you to keep your marriage well established and growing healthily.

---

Love thy neighbour?

Together with open and honest communication, the other major component in any successful relationship is love. What does it mean, to love someone? We have all heard the idiom "love is a choice", but what kind of choice is it? Pastor Craig Hill sheds some light on this issue by bringing in 'loving your neighbour' and Romans 12:10.
Pastor Hill says that love is "choosing what is best for the other person". That's NOT the same as choosing what the other person wants. It's always having the other person's BEST interests in mind. Sometimes, this may mean disciplining them, correcting them, or exhorting them to change. Other times it may be to quash a selfish desire in your heart in favour of their desires. Basically, it means taking the focus off yourself and looking at what you can invest in the other person.
In the context of courtship, there are two neighbours that we should love (i.e. keep their best interests at heart). Firstly, there is our future spouse. Keeping her/his best interests at heart would result in things like saving your sexual and emotional purity for her/him, developing your character and preparing resources for a stable marriage with her, etc.
Secondly, there is the future spouse of that person you are interested in. Unless you are ready for marriage, you should not be having 'emotional exchanges' with any member of the opposite sex. You should treat every friend as thought they will be someone else's spouse. Loving that spouse as a neighbour means treating this person as a brother or sister in Christ, not defrauding their emotions or their purity but investing in them without motive for selfish gain.

---

Love or commitment, which comes first?

Some people wonder about a relationship where there is 'no romanctic involvement before marriage' and the possibility that a couple could get married only to find out they have no sexual or romantic feelings for each other. To clarify, however, my conviction is that you shouldn't be romantically involved until after the commitment to marriage. This is the only way I can see of ensuring that you only romance one partner in your lifetime.
If you allow the romance before the commitment, then there is the possibility of several romances, with all the pain and emotional baggage that it entails.
Now this isn't the same as saying there no romance before the marriage/wedding ceremony! I think as well as being time for planning for the wedding, the engagement period is also the time when the couple fall head-over-heels in love with each other, so that by the day they get married, they are totally besotted with each other ;-)
Another comment has been that romance should be the very last stage a couple goes through before they consider marriage. I almost agree with that statement -- it's only the "consider" bit I disagree with. I think they should consider first, then romance.
I guess my conviction arises out of the fact that people's feeling wax and wane -- romance is a subjective feeling and when the rough times come, romance isn't what will keep you together, it's your commitment that will. Thus the Bible says to "love the one you marry" (Eph 5:28,33) rather than to "marry the one you love."
If, after working through all the courtship process and making a commitment for marriage, no attraction or romance develops, I would be quite concerned. But many surveys have shown that older couples say their love increased over time -- so getting married on the love you feel in your 20s isn't necessarily a good standard!
As far as attractiveness goes, I think that's one of the first things people consider in a relationship (whether that's a good idea or not is another story, but like it or not, we do judge people by their attractiveness to us!) so I think sexual attraction would follow as a natural consequence of the initial attraction and the growing feelings of romance and love.

TIPS FOR MEN

What Most Men Don't Realize About Women

Here's a secret that most men don't know - Women often don't know what they really like in a guy. Women are much more susptible to their emotions than men and it's the man who understands how to use this knowledge that has the advantage with women. If you want to know discover the secret to capturing a woman's heart, then you've come to the right place.

Allow me to be clear. It isn't has hard to win the heart of a woman as most men believe. What makes it hard is when guys do things for women that guys would like, but don't create an emotional moment with a woman. They often focus simply on being Romantic or charming. While women do love those aspects, those alone aren't enough. What women want is a man that makes them feel special and the best way to do that is...

Know what you want and consistantly pursue it

So many men give up so easily simply because a woman didn't respond exactly they way they hoped when they approached her. Many husbands retreat emotionally because their wife isn't as playful as she was when they first dates. It doesn't have to be that way. Your relationship can be as wonderful has you hoped.

   

So take a look at our Recommended Reading list. Find the resource that's right for you. In addition, from all the women we've spoken with here's what they tell us about men.

Guys, you may not realize this but we really are easy to please. We'd tell you what we want but the problem is that what it takes changes depending on our mood.

Please don't get frustrated with us. We can't help being so emotional. In fact, it's the reasons you like us so much, :-).

One more thing guys. Just so you know…we love you!

But we'd love you even more if you were willing to do a few things just a wee bit different than you've been doing them so far.

WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A RELATIONSHIPS

What Women Want in Relationship – Love or Sex?

Ask any woman what men want in a relationship, the obvious answer would be sex. Well, everyone knows what the men want, but what the women really want in a relationship: love or sex? Genetically and behaviorally, both men and women are programmed by nature for different purposes. It’s even said that men are prepared to love so that they can get sex from women, and women are prepared to have sex so that they would get love from men. Nature wants the male species to spread its seed as wider as possible, thus men seem to desire sex all the time so that they could spread their seeds. However, since the female of the species has to beget a child and rear it as a consequence of the sexual intercourse, she cannot have sex as freely as the male species do. Hence, by nature, since the female of the species has to bear the child, women are genetically programmed to look out for men who can provide both protection and care during pregnancy and childbirth, and nurture her offspring thereafter. Therefore, the female has to be selective about choosing the best among the available male partners with quality seed and who could also protect her and the offspring from intruders. This is said to be the main reason why men want more sex and women want more admirers and protectors. This has made some to generalize that women are more interested in love and less interested in sex.

However, such statements often prove to be oversimplification of a complex issue that depends upon extremely personal interest of a particular individual. Even in the case of men, it’d be oversimplification to say that men always feel like having sex. Yet in the majority of the cases, while a man gets ready for sex even without any feeling of love or intimacy, most women say that they need to feel desired or get more intimacy in their relationship before they are prepared for sex. Even when women involve themselves in the sexual intercourse, they complain that they could not reach orgasm since they were unable to feel emotionally connected with their partners during the intercourse. Relationship experts often advise men not to rush for intercourse, and engage in a slow, gentle and relaxed foreplay until the women are sufficiently aroused.

It’s true that women are fundamentally different than the men in their priorities in the relationship. It’s also true that in most of the cases, women expect men to take initiative and court them before getting close to them emotionally and physically. Moreover, unlike men who would be happy to have a causal sexual encounter, women generally seem to prefer a long lasting relationship. Besides, given opportunity, women choose their mate who they consider can provide the best possible protection and security. Therefore, women certainly want their relationship to solidify through some sort of bonding such as marriage, marriage working as a sort of glue to make relationship last for a long time. Women even report that they engage in sexual activity with their partner even when they do not feel like doing it fearing that their partner might lose interest and respect for them if they do not comply to have sex. Still, it would be wrong to assume that women are less interested in sex.

A recent poll conducted by a popular Television Channel revealed that women want and think about sex more than they admit to. As women are becoming more open regarding their sexuality, the new findings are sure to demystify the conventional opinion about female sexuality. Certainly, like in men, sexual preference among women varies from individual to individual, yet it has been established that women enjoying a fulfilling sexual encounter at least twice a week are happier in average. A Woman may be shy to openly express her sexual desires like men due to cultural or other factors, but deep down women are just as horny as men. Similarly, a very high percentage of women masturbate and watch porn than that has been believed. Some argue that even the rape and molestation cases by women cannot officially come on record because men find it ‘unmanly’ to report that they were sexually harassed by the women. Thus, by nature, women seem to desire sex as much as men do.

Some Tips for a Great Relationship and Sex:

• First and foremost, women need to believe that their partner in interested in their total being, and not for sex only. The more a man makes a woman feel wanted by him, the more she will try to please him, sexually or otherwise.
• Communication plays a vital role between the partners, so much that if the partners do not communicate their feelings to each other, their health and ultimately their relationship would start to suffer.
• Women want some foreplay before they are prepared for sex. Hugging, kissing, and talking romance would turn on women for engaging in sex. Instead of repeating the same position day in and day out, it would be exciting to try some experimental, playful and even ‘dirty sex’.

The Power of Relationships

The healing power of relationships

 

A dear friend has been battling cancer for a decade or more. Through a grinding mix of chemotherapy, radiation and all the other necessary indignities of oncology, he has lived on, despite dire prognoses to the contrary.
My friend was the sort of college professor students remember fondly: not just inspiring in class but taking a genuine interest in them - in their studies, their progress through life, their fears and hopes. A wide circle of former students count themselves among his lifelong friends; he and his wife have always welcomed a steady stream of visitors to their home.
Though no one could ever prove it, I suspect that one of many ingredients in his longevity has been this flow of people who love him.
Research on the link between relationships and physical health has established that people with rich personal networks - who are married, have close family and friends, are active in social and religious groups - recover more quickly from disease and live longer. But now the emerging field of social neuroscience, the study of how people's brains entrain as they interact, adds a missing piece to that data.
The most significant finding was the discovery of "mirror neurons," a widely dispersed class of brain cells that operate like neural WiFi. Mirror neurons track the emotional flow, movement and even intentions of the person we are with, and replicate this sensed state in our own brain by stirring in our brain the same areas active in the other person.
Mirror neurons offer a neural mechanism that explains emotional contagion, the tendency of one person to catch the feelings of another, particularly if strongly expressed. This brain-to- brain link may also account for feelings of rapport, which research finds depend in part on extremely rapid synchronization of people's posture, vocal pacing and movements as they interact. In short, these brain cells seem to allow the interpersonal orchestration of shifts in physiology.
Such coordination of emotions, cardiovascular reactions or brain states between two people has been studied in mothers with their infants, marital partners arguing and even among people in meetings.
Reviewing decades of such data, Lisa Diamond and Lisa Aspinwall, psychologists at the University of Utah, offer the infelicitous term "a mutually regulating psychobiological unit" to describe the merging of two physiologies into a connected circuit. To the degree that this occurs, Diamond and Aspinwall argue, emotional closeness allows the biology of one person to influence that of the other.
John Cacioppo, director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, makes a parallel proposal: the emotional status of our main relationships has a significant impact on our overall pattern of cardiovascular and neuroendocrine activity. This radically expands the scope of biology and neuroscience from focusing on a single body or brain to looking at the interplay between two at a time. In short, my hostility bumps up your blood pressure, your nurturing love lowers mine. Potentially, we are each other's biological enemies or allies.
Even remotely suggesting health benefits from these interconnections will, no doubt, raise hackles in medical circles. No one can claim solid data showing a medically significant effect from the intermingling of physiologies.
At the same time, there is now no doubt that this same connectivity can offer a biologically grounded emotional solace. Physical suffering aside, a healing presence can relieve emotional suffering. A case in point is a functional magnetic resonance imaging study of women awaiting an electric shock. When the women endured their apprehension alone, activity in neural regions that incite stress hormones and anxiety was heightened. As James Coan reported last year in an article in Psychophysiology, when a stranger held the subject's hand as she waited, she found little relief. When her husband held her hand, she not only felt calm, but her brain circuitry quieted, revealing the biology of emotional rescue.
But as all too many people with severe chronic diseases know, loved ones can disappear, leaving them to bear their difficulties in lonely isolation. Social rejection activates the very zones of the brain that generate, among other things, the sting of physical pain.
So when the people who care about a patient fail to show up, it may be a double blow: the pain of rejection and the deprivation of the benefits of loving contact. Sheldon Cohen, a psychologist at Carnegie-Mellon University who studies the effects of personal connections on health, emphasizes that a hospital patient's family and friends help just by visiting, regardless of whether they know what to say.
My friend has reached that point where doctors see nothing else to try. On my last visit, he and his wife told me that he was starting hospice care.
One challenge, he told me, will be channeling the river of people who want to visit into the narrow range of hours in a week when he still has the energy to engage them.
As he said this, I felt myself tearing up, and responded: "You know, at least it's better to have this problem. So many people go through this all alone."
He was silent for a moment; thoughtful. Then he answered softly, "You're right."

By Daniel Goleman

Published: Wednesday, October 11, 2006

WHAT IS TRUE LOVE?

What is true love and how do you know when you have found it?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” —I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

This verse describes the characteristics of true love. These qualities can certainly be found in the person of Jesus Christ, and they can be found in all truly loving relationships. The problem with trying to “find” love in our dating lives, is that too often we don't look for these characteristics. Rather we look at physical appearance, popularity, or wealth. These are not the qualities that God looks at and neither should we.
But the LORD said to Samuel, “…The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
—I Samuel 16:7b (NIV)
Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel. Certainly our emotions are involved, but they cannot be our only criteria for love. True devotion will always lead to action—true love.
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS and in truth.
      I John 3:18 (NIV)
Christ was devoted to us enough to give his own life for us (Romans 5:8), even when he didn't feel like it (Matthew 26:39).
Sex is not love! Our culture has taught us that sex and love are one in the same. This is a lie. Sex is a beautiful God-given activity that is wonderful when practiced within the boundaries of a Biblical marriage. Sex is the completion of the binding of two people within Biblical marriage; it is a God-given gift.

PRE-MARITAL SEX

Because premarital sex is not love, it only leads to pain and disappointment for those who are seeking that love. The Bible says that when two people are married, they become one flesh (Ephesians 5:31). Sex is consummation of that union. When two people break off their relationship after having sex, it is like ripping apart flesh. This is why two teenagers will struggle so much and become so dependent on those they give their bodies to. In light of I Corinthians 13:4-8 (above), it is easy to see that premarital sex is not patient, it is not kind, it does not protect, it is self-seeking. It is not love!

IDENTIFYING TRUE LOVE

We can only identify true love and know when we have found it, based on the Word of God. When we match our relationships up to what the Bible says that love is—and we are honestly prepared to make a life-long commitment to that person—then we can say that we are truly “in love.” The three keys to that statement are:
We have to…

1. …look at the Word of God
2. …be completely honest with ourselves
3. …understand the level of commitment that comes with true love

Copyright © 1997, Dawson McAllister Live!, All Rights Reserved - except as noted on attached “Usage and Copyright” page that grants ChristianAnswers.Net users generous rights for putting this page to work in their homes, personal witnessing, churches and schools.

Do Women Really Know What They Are Looking For in a Relationship?

by Joseph Matthews

Different women have different expectations about what they want from a man and a relationship.
For example, a young woman may not know what she wants in a relationship simply because she isn't experienced enough to know what's important to her yet.
A more mature woman, one who's been in a lot of different relationships, may know exactly what she's looking for in a relationship.
But there's one thing all types of women know about before they get into a relationship...
They know what they're ATTRACTED to!
See, the female mind processes things in this manner:
1. Is there something attracting me to this man?
2. Will this man be a good fit for me in the long term?
Usually, number 1 will kick in almost immediately within the first few minutes of meeting a man. They'll start evaluating the man's attraction quotient.
Number two won't kick in until number one has been met.
This means that if you can get a woman really turned on, or even in bed, then she'll immediately start evaluating you based on your potential for a long term relationship.
Women who try and do this backwards, by getting into a relationship and hoping the attraction will grow, usually end up disappointed.
When it comes to what women are actually looking for in a relationship, you can expect these factors to come into play:

1. How well does the man treat her?
2. What is the level of attraction occurring?
3. How good is he in bed?
4. How strong is the emotional connection?
5. How good of a provider is he?

Let's quickly go through these five female relationship factors...
The first factor can be misleading. All women want to be treated well, but they don't necessarily want to be treated like goddesses to be fawned over.
(Sure, that's okay from time to time, but too much of a good thing is a bad thing...)
Women want to feel like the man they are with is loving and strong. So if you treat them in a way where they know you care, know they are safe, but know you won't take their bullcrap, they will feel well treated.
The next factor has to do with what we discussed earlier. If they are still feeling sexual attraction towards you, then this factor is met. But if things have fizzled, this could be a deal breaker.
Most women aren't used to having men who are good in bed. So if you can please her between the sheets, then chances are she'll see you as a "keeper."
If there is a strong emotional connection, a woman will want to be around you. She will feel connected to you and want to please you. This is a very important factor in any relationship.
Women who don't have a strong emotional connection to the men they are in a relationship with will tend to cheat on them, because they aren't being fulfilled emotionally.
Finally, a man who is a good provider will make a woman feel safe and cared for.
Many women will gravitate towards men who can pay their bills, even if all the other relationship factors are absent.
But this doesn't mean that type of relationship is a happy or stable one (for either party).
Showing a woman you're a good provider is probably the least important factor in a strong relationship, but it is still a factor.
But the first step you need to be aware of before you can even begin to THINK about relationships, is the initial ATTRACTION phase.
And that phase starts with how you MEET her.
I personally believe that any man has the potential to attract any woman.
If they know what to do.

5 THINGS MEN NEEDS TO DO IN A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

5 THINGS MEN NEEDS TO DO IN A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

Ben is sensitive and tries hard to please Miriam, but when there's a problem that needs to be dealt with, he seems oblivious. When she asks for input on a decision, he says, "It's up to you." He wants to be nice but he doesn't realize he's frustrating her.

I understand why Ben is unsure of his role. Like a lot of men these days, I received so many messages on what a man in a relationship should be, I was bewildered. Every few years, the media tells us new ideas about what a man should be. For a while there was "sensitive new age guy." Then there was "metrosexual" and advice that men need to develop their feminine side.
I've heard married men advise younger men that the key to a happy marriage is: "Yes, dear." I've received emails filled with jokes that ridicule men -- like what's the difference between a man and fine wine? Wine matures.
On television, we've gone from Father Knows Best, where the father was a wise caring man who could do no wrong, to Homer Simpson, a buffoon who can do nothing right. Does Homer actually influence what people think a man should be? In a recent survey in Canada by the research firm Ipsos-Reid, more than 25 percent of fathers aged 18 to 34 identify with Homer Simpson when they're talking to their kids about a difficult subject, and almost 20 percent of adult children in the same age range associate their own father with Homer.
With so many confusing ideas, I started looking for wisdom on what a man should be in a relationship. I read books on marriage. They didn't say anything to me. I read Jewish books on marriage. They had a lot of wisdom, but I was looking for more advice on what a man should be.
Then I went to the original Jewish sources. I started with Adam -- the first man in the world who was in a relationship. Adam was alone. He wanted a wife. He asked God for a wife and God created Eve to be an "ezer k'negdo" -- a helper opposing him or a helper against him (Genesis, 2:18).
A helper against him? What in the world does that mean? I looked in the commentary at the bottom of the page which quoted the Talmud, "If the man is worthy, the woman will be his helper; if he is not worthy, she will be against him."

If a man works on himself and develops himself to be worthy, the woman will be his partner. If he doesn't, she will be against him.

This one sentence changed the way I looked at relationships. The message: It's up to the man to make it work. It's his responsibility. Stop blaming others. If a man works on himself and develops himself to be worthy, the woman will be his partner. If he doesn't, she will be against him.
What happens next in the world's first relationship? Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden. They have one commandment: Don't eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge.
Eve eats it and then she gives it to Adam. He eats it. Then Adam hides in the bushes and God asks him: Adam did you eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge that I commanded you not to eat?
What did Adam do? Did he take responsibility for what happened?
No. He says to God, "The woman you sent me gave it to me and I ate it."
I couldn't believe it. He gave in to something he knew was wrong and then he blamed his wife. I thought only men today did that.
Does blaming his wife help Adam avoid responsibility? God doesn't say, "Adam, I understand -- she pushed you into it. You're not responsible for what happened." Just the opposite. He punishes Adam for eating the fruit, and for not using his own judgment. I think it's significant that one of the first lessons in the first chapter of Genesis is about what a man should be in a relationship.
My search led me to discover a lot of timeless wisdom that for generations fathers taught their sons -- wisdom that is so relevant today. Today's absent father, either from long hours of work or divorce, means many boys grow up without a strong male role model.
Here are five of the lessons I learned on my journey for wisdom on what a man in a relationship should be:
Lesson #1: Take responsibility
Learn from Adam. Don't do things you know are wrong and then blame others. If you make a mistake, take responsibility for your actions. One of the meanings of the word "husband" is someone who skillfully manages his household. A manager takes responsibility. As Adam experienced, there is little sympathy for a man who blames a woman for something that has gone wrong. He's often still held responsible. People will ask him, "Why did you let it go on?" A man has to look at himself and see how he can change his own actions to properly handle similar situations.
Lesson #2: Show leadership
If a man wants to be seen as worthy and have a good relationship with a woman, he has to show leadership. When he sees a situation that needs to be dealt with, he should step forward and handle it. People admire those who step forward to handle difficult situations. We don't admire those who stand back and wait for others to solve the problem.
Some men avoid taking the lead because they don't want to be criticized. They think they're playing it safe. A man should say, "I'll handle it," and take the initiative to find solutions. If he's not sure what the solution is, do what other leaders do -- consult the many sources of information available.
Lesson #3: Make decisions
One of the meanings of the word "manly" is being decisive. A man needs to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. If he's reluctant to make decisions, she may resent him. Part of making decisions is understanding the other person's views and being flexible. She doesn't want someone controlling her, but she also doesn't want someone who leaves every decision to her. A man who is afraid of making a wrong decision should ask himself: Who should make decisions? -- someone who isn't afraid of making mistakes.
Lesson #4: Be strong
The Talmud asks: Who is strong? He who can control his passions (Ethics of the Fathers, 4:1). Someone who can control his anger is better than a physically strong man who can conquer a city. Blowing up in anger can seriously damage a relationship. If a man thinks he can't control his anger, he should imagine being angry at someone, the telephone rings and it's his boss. Would he calm down? Of course, or he'd lose his job. Not getting angry doesn't mean he accepts bad treatment; he calmly sets limits on the treatment he accepts from others.
Lesson #5: Be manly
Being manly is not being macho. Manliness is the positive qualities of decisiveness, strength in one's convictions, confidence, self-reliance, high moral qualities, self discipline, honesty and integrity. A man who is manly has courage to be able to deal with difficulty, pain or danger without backing away despite his fear.
To women: ask your husband to read this. To men: If after years of watching Homer Simpson, you haven't heard these ideas before, ask your wife if this is what she wants. You may be surprised at her response.